Grace

God's grace is abundant. Indescribable. It is as if we are only allowed glimpses of it because to see the entirety would consume us. We see it through our fellow man in acts of love and sacrifice for others. It touches us to the core when we recognize it, often leaving us speechless and full of emotion. It brings tears. Our most epic and enduring literature and films are just that because they often include the theme. To me, Victor Hugo's Les Miserables is one of the most poignant examples. It beautifully portrays the human condition: pain, struggle, failure, forgiveness, redemption, abundant love. God is somehow a main character without even being mentioned. "Greater love has no one than this: that a man lay down his life for a friend." It reaches across culture and language and creed. That is why God chose to communicate His love for mankind in this way. Heroes throughout our history and in our legends are willing to love and sacrifice in this way.

For whatever reason, it is this part of God's character that I most cherish and champion. It's what touches me the most. I want to love like God. And yet I habitually forget that I am the OBJECT of that love, and what that means. I feel unworthy if I am not being the heroic lover, and don't yet know how to bask in the love God has for me. If I did, I would not be anxious or insecure or depressed, dependent upon achieving success as I have defined it, and mired in my own failures and incompetence to live the way I want. I think I would simply LIVE. Abundant life in the glow of the abundant love of God.

Heading Home

I'm heading home today to spend Thanksgiving with family. There is typically a lot of eating out and drinking that goes on whenever I'm visiting. But part of my journey is to reclaim my leadership role. I see that my family has also suffered by my being out of commission. I pray for strength to be that spiritual leader again and to make a positive impact on my loved ones this week.

Going Public

I definitely have some trepidations about going public with this blog, mostly because I have invested so much energy in hiding my struggles. Fawn and Zac assure me that this will help me along on my journey, but I'm a little afraid and a lot embarrassed! It is the exact opposite of what my instincts tell me to do. It is a leap of faith. Going public with my goals and being honest about where I want to be and where I am certainly does up the ante.

Here goes.... I have long treated myself poorly and too often put myself last, and am now embarking on a serious commitment to living a healthy lifestyle. I am convinced that this lifestyle change will embody the redemption of the journey I have been on. I want to accept the abundant and purposeful life God envisions for me, and to do so, I must end the emotional and physical mistreatment of myself through harsh self criticism and numbing my emotions with food and alcohol. My battle with weight and depression are outward signs of the inner struggle. This behavior has had me treading water for the last several years of my life, and I no longer accept that for myself. I choose an abundant life.