Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Back from a few days of vacation in Mexico, and all of my problems and anxieties met me upon my return. The tortuous thoughts that I am a failure. The beautiful girl and her sweet young daughter that I poured more than three years and a countless sum of emotional and financial support and investment have replaced me with someone else unceremoniously. The reason I had distanced myself over the last few months was because I was afraid something like this might happen (albeit not so soon), and I knew it would be a nightmare for me emotionally.

The way this girl had treated me over the years embodied and affirmed every single one of my insecurities. And my remaining in the relationship and coming back for more time and again is perfect evidence of my disrespect for myself and treating myself badly. She was like a harmful drug I was addicted to. Because of her decision to remain single for a year, and leaving me pleading messages to get back in touch with her because she needed me in her life, I set my fears aside and responded to her. Imagine the horror of finding out that not only had she began dating again, but that a man moved in with her and her young daughter. She used to agree with  me that sleepovers would be harmful to her daughter and unhealthy. After just a few short months she now has a live in boyfriend who has already left a wife and two young daughters who live hundreds of miles away. The pain becomes exponential as my obsessive thoughts find a myriad of reasons to feel a failure, devalued, replaced,  fearful for her already pained little girl who has been abandoned twice before by "fathers," etc., etc., etc.

I know what you're thinking... Why not be glad to be free from this burden of being under-appreciated by a girl with a lot of baggage who treats you poorly? Well, I loved them both. I truly believed that she was afraid to love me the way I wanted because of the pain in her past; that if I just could prove my sincere motives and love to her enough, she would let down her walls. Instead, she's giving all of the love and respect that I wanted, that I feel I had earned, to someone else. My soul is screaming in agony. If the enemy had designed the perfect plan of attack on me, my cryptonite, it would be this girl, in her situation that I wanted to save her from, treating me the way she did, and doing what she is doing now. I truly believe I can't handle this. And I can't. God must save me from this. Last week, when I first found out, I was in a panic, and God wrapped his arms of peace around me. I have faith that God will redeem this, and me, because of that love and peace He allowed me to experience that night. I knew even then that it would continue to be incredibly difficult.
"You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side." Psalm 71
"Make haste, O God, to deliver me! Make haste to help me, O Lord!....I am poor and needy; Make haste to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay."      Psalm 70


  1. Gabe, healing takes time. Thank you for your letting us into your hurt and pain. we are here for you.

  2. Sorry your feeling this loss. You are you. Everyone is someone to value. You are worth being treated well. Take the time to know who you are and that your a great person! Will be praying for you during this time of pain.

  3. Thanks, I definitely appreciate and value the prayers.

  4. Gabe, I am so sorry for your pain and loss; heartbreak is so hard, but like you said, God is the one that will hold your hand through all of this. He is preparing someone very special for you to meet in His timing. Thank you for sharing.

    Blessings to you

  5. Wow! The enemy will do EVERYTHING he can to pull the proverbial run out from under us. Only God's equipping can get you through a time like this. And you can remain standing. Reread Ephesians 6 on the armor of God. Praying for you Gabe. Sorry for this time of pain in your life. I pray God's peace and strength for you.

  6. Gabe Thanks for opening and sharing your story. I know it can be very difficult. I also know that heartbreak can seem at that very moment that we will probably not be able to love again or that our world has literally ended. I believe God places certain people into our lives so we can learn from that relationship. I gave my life and love to the person I married and in the end I felt unvalued and unappreciated but what after the whole ordeal, I learned to truly LOVE myself. Believe that God is preparing you for someone who will truly Love YOU and VALUE YOU!