Wow. Rough few days.
But I'm still here. I'm finally feeling some closure and maybe even some healing over the "relationship." The panic is gone, and I am very grateful for that. I'm kind of excited about moving forward.
One of the things I was reminded of this week, as I stumbled Thursday night, is to check in with the tone of my inner conversation. I'm talking about the way I talk to myself that sets the tone for my attitude toward and treatment of myself. I'm a real sonofabitch in the way I talk to me. How many times have I passed a mirror, and snarled "Ahh! You FAT mother Fr!!?" Usually multiple times a day. There's also the old, "What the f is wrong with you!! Get your sh together!!!" which has become a classic in the household of my mind. "You stupid F!!" has also been moving it's way up the charts.
If I was in a relationship with that voice, it would be an abusive one. I might even have to go to a battered woman's shelter for a while. ("It's not the voice's fault, it's mine for never getting my sh together.") So, this week, in the realm of my mind I will attempt to not just bring flowers to myself and promise that this time things will be different. I will check in with the tone of that voice. A friend told me this week: "Gabe, be gentle with yourself." To be honest, I recoiled a bit because the concept did not strike me as very manly. But I'd much rather have a cheerleader in my head than an angry, foul mouthed accuser.